His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.