I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Only a mothe r could love this liver
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?