upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits