It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
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My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
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A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.