I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
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He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
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Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.