Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Why is there bacon in the couch?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
