Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
