Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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