I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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