I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
