I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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