Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.