I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
