yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
