i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!