Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
