I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
