actually, I'm a sock model
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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