This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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