life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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