just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
