Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize