he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize