By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
