I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
