I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
