i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
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seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
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Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey