never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?