True but thats because hes a fetus.
I can text with my tongue
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.