Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
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See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
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Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.