drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
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So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
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Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.