Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
