Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
