youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
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Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
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javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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