I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
