she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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