Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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