I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
