someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
