We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
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I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
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I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.