i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am