in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
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I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
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Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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