I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
