I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize