You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
not ubering you a puppy
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
