Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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