there's paper in my vomit.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
