I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
