i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
