You just made me feel so damn special
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
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I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
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The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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