At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just want nice things and good sex
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
