my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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