I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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