Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize