Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
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He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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