he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner