It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I looked at my own cervix.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
